My Journey Through Motherhood

Happy Father's Day!

2011-06-19T16:38:00.000-07:00

Today is Father's Day, so I wanted to make sure all the great fathers in my life are being recognized! My Dad, to begin with, is the most patient, caring, and loving dad in the world. That's a fact. ;) He helped raise 4 of us kids, and made sure we had everything we needed, and pretty much everything we wanted haha! He still does, to this day, even though his youngest is already 26. He loves and adores his grandson Logan, and is probably his biggest fan! He is always willing to take Logan for walks, or even just carry him up and down the stairs over and over, which Logan loves. He also came to the Fragile X Conference, to learn as much about his grandson as he can. He wears his Fragile X awareness bracelet every single day, without fail. We appreciate everything you do! Happy Father's Day Dad, aka Grampa! :)

^Grampa and Logan, at Logan's first baseball game :)

I also need to brag a little bit about Michael, Logan's daddy, and my significant other. He is a wonderful father to Logan, and is so patient and understanding with him. Michael is always the life of the party, and there is certainly never a dull moment whenever he's around! This is perfect for Logan, who sometimes needs a little "push" to do anything active. Michael and Logan have spent some of the best Saturday nights just horsing around and laughing until we all couldn't breathe. Logan absolutely adores his Daddy :)

When Michael and I met, we had no idea that I was a carrier of Fragile X Syndrome. We had no idea until Logan was 2 years old. When we were given the diagnosis (over the phone! Yeah, still a little bitter about that), we had no idea what Fragile X even was. We were both scrambling to find some information, to understand how our little boy could be "fragile"?! When we researched and found out it's a genetic syndrome that can cause significant developmental delays, saying it was heartbreaking news would be putting it lightly. When we realized Logan inherited the gene from me, Michael never once said anything about it. He has only focused on getting Logan the most help he can, rather than "who's fault this is". Sure, he has mentioned there are some things he's disappointed about, he always pictured his son being the captain of the football team, or driving a big lifted truck alongside him while they go off-roading. These things aren't impossible of course, but Michael has accepted the fact that they may not happen. Michael has also accepted that Logan needs extra help with things, and Michael has been there to help every step of the way. Michael knows that Logan's still not the sturdiest of walkers, and makes sure he always has Logan's hand, just in case. When he can tell that Logan's starting to get a little overwhelmed in public, he is a champion at distracting Logan and getting him to forget all about what's going on around him. Michael makes an effort to be at every doctor's appointment he can be, and helps with the physical therapy we've learned to do at home. If he feels a doctor, or anyone for that matter, has not given Logan everything he deserves, he doesn't hesitate for a second to tell them and defends Logan to the end. Michael even went to the playgroup at the therapy center, where he was the only dad in a room full of moms hehe! That's dedication! For being a first time dad, Michael has adapted extremely well to the extra challenges Fragile X Syndrome has brought into our lives.

Logan and Michael are 2 peas in a pod, with their bright blue eyes, and their love of loud music! But especially, when it comes to eating. Oh my goodness, we never have a single crumb of leftovers in the house. Every day I'm still shocked at how much they can both eat in one sitting. I just remind them both, that one day all this yummy food they love eating will catch up with them...and I'm going to be more than ready to say, TOLD YOU SO! ;)

When Michael puts his mind to something, he doesn't quit until he's achieved his goal. (most of the time, anyway. If his goal is hanging up pictures that I asked him to hang, then that's a completely different outcome!) There was a week awhile back, when Logan was just having a tough time. He was very short-tempered, and realized Mommy and Daddy move really quick when he screams REALLY LOUD. Well, I was discussing this new screaming habit with his physical therapist. She suggested a place where Logan could go and be by himself, to cool off and calm down. He could read his books, or stare out the window, or whatever he feels he needs to do. The next day, Michael brought home a humungous double layer cardboard box from work. That same night, he constructed "Logan's place", a very sturdy playhouse, equipped with a light and light switch that Logan LOVES. I can't even tell you how many times we've used this house as a "cool down" place, and it works! Logan loves it, and even though we do put him in there when he's upset, it's not a punishment for him, and he doesn't seem to view it that way, he just knows it's "his" own little place. We love to go in there with him and read books before bedtime, he gets SO excited to share his house with Mommy and Daddy. I would say Michael did a pretty good job making sure Logan has a "cool down" place, which helps Logan, but most of all helps Mommy! :)

So Happy Father's Day to Michael, who has definitely stepped up and been the best dad he can be, even when life has thrown some curve balls our way. I appreciate the fact that he has been there for Logan, and for me, through all of the good times and bad. A lot of guys can't handle being a father, let alone a father to a special needs child, and Michael is doing an excellent job! Very deserving of the title DAD! :)

Mother's Day Reflections :)

2011-05-07T15:51:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day tomorrow to all the mommies out there! Especially to my own mom. She is a strong, caring, funny, unique woman and I love her so much! I've always been close to my mom, but after having my own child I realized how much I appreciate and respect my mom. She raised 4 of us children, 2 boys and 2 girls! She was definitely a busy, devoted mother, to say the least. <3

I have been working on a few Mother's Day projects, so I have had to go to shopping at craft stores a bit more than usual. I could stay in a scrapbook store ALL day if I had the time, one of my favorite places in the world to be. Logan had to go with me the last couple of times, and oh my goodness I think my love of scrapbooking will now have to be strictly an online thing. Logan now starts getting upset before we even get into the store! He used to love sitting in the cart, looking at all the people and all the new sights all around him. Not anymore! Now he has perfected this VERY loud and attention grabbing scream/whine, and nothing I do calms him down. I've gotten more stares lately than if I were shopping in a bathrobe with fuzzy slippers on and rollers in my hair. I've tried snacks, toys, having my mom with me to help distract him, nothing works. I pulled him out of the cart to see if he would do better walking, and he proceeded to stomp his feet, clench his fists, and plop down on the ground to scream at me. That pretty much ended my shopping list for that day.

Logan is just growing too fast, and developing his own opinions and "plans" every day. He is copying everything we do, and learning so much! When I am getting the dinner plates out, Logan goes into the silverware drawer and takes 1 little fork out, it's the cutest thing. It's really smart of him though, he does this before I get the silverware out so he is thinking ahead, and knows we need the fork, well forks haha, and he knows which drawer the silverware is in. Makes me smile every time! We've been working on Logan being able to spoon feed himself, and he can do it, but will he? No. He'll do it as long as I have a even just one finger touching his hand while he brings the spoon or fork to his mouth. He'll grab the spoon, then grab my hand and put it on his. It's pretty exciting to know that hopefully soon he'll be able to completely feed himself though! :)

We're still working on the whole glasses issue, he is just flat refusing to wear them. I put them on, and he looks up and smiles at me, then before I can blink his glasses are on the floor. He knows they're supposed to be on his face though, and he tries to put them back on. I put them back on, and he takes them back off. We've tried clapping while he's wearing them (he lives for applause), doesn't work. We've tried saying "uh oh" when he takes them off, to show it's a negative thing to take them off, doesn't work. I don't wear glasses, but I've tried putting my sunglasses on the same time I put his glasses on, to show that he's like Mommy, and he takes his glasses off then tries to take mine off too. I tried putting them on, then turning on the tv to his favorite show and saying "glasses on, tv on!" and when he takes them off, then I say "uh oh, glasses off, tv off" and shutting it off. He started just handing the glasses to me to put them on so the tv would turn on. But.... then he would just take them right off again. We ordered a strap that goes around the back of his head from a website that had great reviews, but it didn't even slow Logan down. Glasses off. We're stumped now! Oh and what's funny, is that he'll find my sunglasses and wear those no problem!

Luckily, Logan has an appointment at the Fragile X Clinic this upcoming week. We go to this clinic every 3 or 4 months, and the doctor always has GREAT ideas for us, no matter what issues we bring up. I'm hoping she'll be able to help get Logan to wear his glasses. I always get pretty nervous before we go there for some reason though. The same day that we go to the FX clinic, we have Logan's Family Resource Coordinator and a representative from the elementary school coming out to the house to discuss Logan's developmental preschool plans. Since he'll be 3 in August, he's starting preschool in September. I can definitely say I'm NOT looking forward to this meeting, and I'm pretty sure I'll have my tissues ready. I still haven't been able to think about Logan going to preschool without tearing up. So I just don't think about it. That always works, right?

Other than these appointments coming up that I'm not too excited about, life is good! Logan got a new swing from the Easter bunny, and he loves loves LOVES it. He also got a new exercise ball, and he has a blast with that. He is still coloring, and reading his books, and getting into EVERYTHING, trying to do everything that Mommy and Daddy do. He makes us laugh every single day, and this little guy smiles more than anybody I know. If I could ever find a genie in a bottle or a magic wand, I would keep him this age forever. Time is just passing by too quickly!!!

We're on a Roll!

2011-04-11T21:26:00.000-07:00

After the day Logan had today, I just had to come post about it so I remember it all later. He was totally on a roll today! He woke up VERY early, so I was afraid it would be a hard day for him. It was the exact opposite though.

Logan brought me a crayon and a piece of paper from his toy box. This is VERY exciting for 2 reasons. 1- He knew that he would need BOTH a crayon and a piece of paper to be able to color, and successfully found both of those things on his own. 2- He is interested in coloring! Oh and I'm going to add a 3rd reason- he was able to communicate very clearly to me what he wanted to do, he didn't whine and "hope" I would figure it out. He knew that if he brought the items to me, he'd get to color. I am so amazed/proud/excited/happy for him!

I got Logan setup at the dining table with all of his crayons and paper. He has scribbled once or twice before, but quickly loses interest in it. I was curious to see what he would do. He was holding the crayon, and adjusted it so it was straight up and down, and tapped it on the paper a few times. Then he took my hand, and put the crayon in between my fingers so I was holding it up and down too. I colored a little bit, and set the crayon down. Logan picked it up, made sure it was up and down again, and tapped it all over the paper. Then he took my hand and put the crayon in between my fingers again. This time, I started at one corner of the paper and drew a long line, diagonal to the other corner of the paper. Then set the crayon down. Logan picked up the crayon, and drew a long line! He was copying, and taking turns, and concentrating on a structured activity, oh my goodness I was shocked! We took turns coloring for a few minutes, then I could tell Logan wanted to get down from the chair. I said "Okay Logan, we need to clean up then we can be all done" and did the sign for all done. Most of his crayons had rolled onto the floor, so I started picking them up, and putting them in their bag. Logan immediately started picking up the crayons and putting them in the bag too. Logan helped clean up! I stared at my child for a second, woah, wait, where did all this maturity come from?!

The paperwork we were given about preparing Logan for developmental preschool had talked about teaching him to clean up after an activity, getting him used to "table work", and being able to stick with more structured activities. I think Logan secretly read that paperwork because HE is the one who suddenly showed he can do all these things! I guess he really wants to go to preschool! :)

Logan also figured out how to put his socks all the way on his feet today. He could do it about halfway before, but today he found a sock in the laundry pile and pulled it all the way on like a little pro! Which reminds me, the other day I was folding laundry, and Logan picked out 2 of HIS socks (there were Mommy socks and Daddy socks in there too, but he somehow knew to pick out his) and got them about halfway on his feet! I am still perplexed about how he didn't have a daddy sock and a Logan sock or anything, it was 2 Logan socks.

Logan is starting to show he understands more words now. He definitely understands "bye bye" and "night night" among a few others. During bathtime tonight, I asked if he was all done and did the sign "all done". He stood up and raised his arms up and was lifting one leg as if he was about to climb right out of the tub. He knew exactly what I was talking about. He has little bath paints, and they have a lid that you twist to get on/off and he figured out how to both put the lid on all the way, but also how to twist the other way to get it back off. I asked if he wants to brush his teeth, and again when he saw the toothbrush he opened his mouth and let me brush his teeth. Every night this week he's been okay with the toothbrush! He has been fighting this for as long as he's had teeth and suddenly he decided he's just fine with it! I think he just likes keeping Mommy on her toes. When I think I have him all figured out, he does a complete 180.

Maybe he's more confident, and willing to show me what he actually knows because I let him run around naked a lot this weekend? LOL! I could not keep clothes on this kid! At one point, he had stripped down naked, and was standing in front the front window just watching the neighborhood like he was "King of the Castle". It was SO cute and hilarious- until he peed all over the carpet. He surprised himself when he saw the pee and started turning around in a circle hahaha! Okay yes it was still cute at that point, definitely worth scrubbing the carpet.

Logan had a very, very good day today. I don't really know why he suddenly showed me all these new things, I think part of it is that he hasn't had any digestive issues lately. He seems to be more active and feeling more energetic. It could be just that Logan has been observing more than I realize and was finally ready to show me. I don't know, but I am one happy and proud mama! :)

Continuing our Journey

2011-04-08T14:08:00.000-07:00

I've been slacking on updating this! I decided today was the day, so I poured myself a cup of coffee, and here I am. Looking at a blank post. I start thinking back to everything that's been going on since my last entry. Logan got his glasses, then Logan broke his glasses LOL... Logan's new OT/PT and Speech therapists came to the house and met Logan... we've started preparing Logan for his big preschool adventure which starts in September... Logan has learned how to put on his socks by himself, and has started allowing me to brush his teeth! It's been a successful few weeks!

You know how they say everything happens for a reason? I'm a firm believer in that. Here's why.

Michael's mother and 2 sisters (a 4 yr old and an 8 yr old) had been planning to come from out of state and spend a weekend with us here at the house. Always so great to see them, but it's not very often we get to! I was a little worried about Logan though, he does NOT like people coming into "HIS" house! Even people he knows and loves. The same day that our visitors are set to arrive, I get the call that Logan's new glasses are ready for pickup. It's a Friday, so if I don't go get them that day, we would have to wait another weekend and I'm anxious to see how he does with them. While Michael goes to pickup his mom and sisters, I take Logan to get the glasses. I am less than impressed with the eye clinic though. The male eye doctor has Logan sit on my lap, and without warning goes at Logan's face with the glasses. Logan shrinks back, and his index finger goes straight to his mouth which means, NOT OKAY! I ask the doctor to hold on a sec and let me put the glasses on Logan for the first time. The doctor persists though, and says "He'll be fine". Really? REALLY?! I'm sorry, I thought I was his mom. I didn't realize he was YOUR SON. Anyway, he quickly puts the frames on Logan and tries to adjust them, Logan immediately rips them off. I try to grab them to put them on him, the eye doctor beats me to it and puts them back on. :sigh: he just won't learn. He quickly marks the glasses and adjusts them, then hands them to me. "When he's okay with wearing them, come back for a proper adjustment" and nods towards the door. Um, excuse me, he's TWO, never worn glasses, I've never worn glasses, and you have NO suggestions on how to try to get him to wear them? No tips, no tricks, no anything? I grab the glasses and walk out the door. Some people should NOT work with children!

I put the glasses on Logan in the van before we leave, and am able to snap a quick picture before he ripped them off. I post this to my Facebook right away, and I couldn't believe how much encouragement and support we received! I didn't realize how much I needed it right then, but we definitely got it!

We get home and Michael arrives with his mother and his sisters. Logan is BEYOND excited to see them. He immediately starts jumping up and down, smiling, and laughing! They adore Logan, so they were more than willing to run around and let him chase after them, jumping and laughing the whole way. This is how the whole weekend went, Logan was in heaven chasing his aunties around. I'm sure his little cheeks hurt from smiling so much. They entertained him constantly, and we realized at the end of the weekend that Logan wore his glasses the WHOLE time! There were a couple times he took them off, but his 4 year old Auntie Jessica was more than willing to come tell us right away.

On to my point of "everything happens for a reason". How perfect was it, that the same weekend Logan was starting a brand new adventure of wearing glasses, his 2 favorite aunties were already scheduled to come play all weekend? They distracted him the whole time, so he didn't even realize he had these strange new things called glasses on his face. I thought because of his sensory issues he wouldn't get used to glasses touching his face and his ears, but he was perfectly happy and okay with it thanks to the girls. Everything most certainly does happen for a reason, if you ask me.

Since we moved into a different city and county at the beginning of the year, we decided to switch therapy centers. Logan met his new OT a couple weeks ago, and it went great! At first he was upset that somebody was coming into his house, but after just a few minutes he was perfectly happy with her! The following week the speech therapist came to meet Logan, and he liked her too. This is a huge relief, because Logan never got used to his home teacher we had before, and would spend the majority of the hour she was there, chewing on his finger and humming. We will be taking Logan to a play group once a week at the therapy center, as soon as his FRC finds a group appropriate for him. Speaking of his FRC, she gave me some paperwork about how to prepare Logan for preschool. In the next few weeks we will be finding out which elementary school he will be going to, and Michael and I can go check out their preschool classes. I know I should be thinking about this a little bit more, but I tear up every time I think about Logan wearing a little backpack, being picked up by the bus (which is optional, but still a possibility) and being at school for 2-3 hours every day- without me! What happened to my little 9 pound newborn baby boy?! :sigh: I know it's a reality, and not thinking about it doesn't mean it won't happen. Logan will have to be tested to be sure he qualifies for the developmental preschool, but nobody has mentioned that they don't think he'll qualify. I knew that the Birth to 3 program wouldn't be all he needed, but it's still hard to swallow that he's still needing therapy. I don't know which is harder to accept- the fact that Logan will soon be old enough for the preschool program, or the fact that my son needs the developmental preschool program at all.

We'll get through the preschool adventure just like we've gotten through everything else on our journey so far. This isn't the journey through motherhood I had planned, but when my sweet Logan smiles at me it reminds me that this is right where I'm supposed to be.

Dirty Diaper Overload!

2011-03-23T18:55:00.000-07:00

Well it may be 2 in the afternoon here, but I'm still drinking coffee like it's going out of style. Why? Oh, just because Logan decided to wake up at quarter to 5 this morning. And of course last night Michael and I stayed up WAY too late watching Black Swan. (It was so good!!) I'm the kind of person that has to have a say in what movie we watch, but then always falls asleep 5 minutes after we start it haha! This movie was THAT good though, that it kept me up the whole time, way past my bedtime! Totally worth it. :yawn:

Logan was sick last week, so I thought it would be okay to bring him into bed with us when he woke up in the middle of the night, not feeling well. A little extra love makes everyone feel better right? Well, that was pretty much the BIGGEST mistake EVER. With Michael snoring away on his side of the bed, then baby Logan snoring away in the middle while sprawled out as much as possible, and me not able to sleep at all because I literally only have one shoulder and one leg actually on the bed, too afraid to move for fear of waking up said sleeping baby, I felt like I should be in a NyQuil commercial or something. The before NyQuil scene. Worst night's sleep ever. Okay, lesson learned right? Move on? Wrong. Logan is a creature of habit, so now he wakes up every morning around 4 or 5am crying, not wanting to go back to sleep, and I know exactly what he wants. Mommy. Well, mommy's spot in bed anyway. I am either going to have to start practicing some tough love and let him cry himself back to sleep, or I'm going to end up sleeping in Logan's crib!

Logan has been copying anything and everything we do. When I'm folding laundry, he's right there unfolding it, trying to put it over his head, or on his feet, or just holding it up like he's folding a towel. When I'm unloading the dishwasher, he's right there taking the silverware out and taking it to the drawer. The right drawer, too! I say this all the time I know, but he's SO SMART! He may not be able to say any words yet, but he can remember the tiniest little thing, days later. I was sitting down one day, holding his hands while he jumped up and down, then asked him for a hug. He gave me one, which was awesome, then he walked away to go find Daddy. Or his shoes, who knows. Well, the next day he came up to me, grabbed my hands the way I did when he was jumping, and jumped 2 little jumps then gave me a hug! It was so sweet, but so awesome that he remembered it exactly right. So that's our thing we do now, jumpjumphug I call it, and it's the coolest thing ever.

Logan also knows how to undress himself completely now. He has woken up from naps completely, totally naked. We were told to put his footed pj's on backwards, which we did try once, but it didn't seem very comfy! He slept fine in them though, so I guess it's okay. Better than waking up naked! My biggest fear is that it would be a stinky diaper he's taking off.... :shudder: not even gonna go there!

Speaking of stinky diapers. Oh my goodness this little guy has had enough stinky diapers for him and 3 other kids his age, combined. For about a year, he was having at least 4 or 5 bowel movements a day. They weren't just a minor inconvenience either, they were a HUGE effort for him. He would ball up, turn red, stick out his tongue, and grunt from pushing so hard. That would go on for about 15-20 minutes, then there would be hardly anything in his diaper. Then about an hour or 2 later, he would try again. I took him to his regular doctor, who suggested more fiber. We tried that. He had also suggested switching to soy milk. Tried that too, nothing changed. At all. His doctor was puzzled because he would be straining so hard to get it all out, then what did come out would be soft and mushy, so it shouldn't have been that hard to push out. (sorry, way too much info, I know). After the 2nd visit for the same issue, Logan's doctor referred us to a G.I. specialist, or Gastroenterologist. We ran into the same problem we always do, the wait time for appointments is at least 6-8 weeks. At this point, I was beyond frustrated, and Logan was beyond exhausted. He was trying to go every half hour some days! And we would have to change his diaper every time, so we were FLYING through the diapers. Kind of an expensive habit! I didn't realize how bad it had really become, until we went to Speech Therapy one morning, and in a 35 minute session, he had 2 poopie diapers. He had spent the entire session straining to go. I decided that was it, we're not waiting another 6 weeks to figure out what's going on! Michael and I called the doctor one more time, who said there's not much they can do, but to just take Logan to the ER. So we did. When we got there, we got right in, but the on-call doctor was, for lack of better words, AWFUL. She is one person who should NOT be working in pediatrics. She was irritated that we had even gone there in the first place, when we had an appointment with a specialist in 6 weeks. I told her Logan can NOT keep going like this, he is straining almost constantly, and can't even focus during therapy. She reluctantly agreed to an x-ray. When we got the x-ray back, it showed Logan was completely backed up. He had some sort of blockage, so he when he was trying to go, only tiny bits could come out at a time. I felt SO bad, he's probably been so uncomfortable this whole time! The doctor said a lot times, children with disabilities have digestive issues like this as well. The doctor told us to give Logan Miralax twice a day, which is a mild laxative. She said he should be cleaned out by the time we go see the specialist. I was NOT okay with this answer. Logan's been going and going and going non-stop, so we're going to give him a laxative to make him go MORE, and HOPE it works by his appointment in 6 weeks?! No. Logan has had diaper rash almost constantly, because he's constantly trying to go. Lets make him go more?! Not okay. I told the doctor we need to do something for Logan, NOW. She said he's not an extreme enough case, to qualify for an enema. Not an extreme case? Try changing poopie diapers non-stop for a year, and tell me if it's extreme. She reluctantly gave him the enema, which I could tell by the next morning had created an immense amount of relief for little Logan. He was more active, and just seemed healthier and happier.

We continued to give Logan the Miralax while we waited for the G.I. appointment, and of course on the day of the appointment, the x-ray showed Logan was completely cleaned out. Not backed up at all! Woo hoo! The doctor said to continue with the Miralax, reduced the dosage, and said to come back in 3 months and if Logan is still having problems he will order some bloodwork. So, that's where we're at right now. Logan was doing great, only going once or twice a day for awhile, but this past week he's been working back up to 4, 5, even 6 times a day. This Mommy is going to have the scent of poopie diapers permanently in her nose for the rest of her life, I'm afraid!

There's been a lot of things thrown into the mix so far on my journey through motherhood, but no matter what is going on, Logan is happy. He is always just plain happy! His smile makes all the stress and worry disappear, and no matter what is put on our plate, it's worth it to have Logan in our lives. We just love him to pieces! And he loves us to pieces right back! :)

How exciting!!

2011-03-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

I was so excited to find out my blog was given the Stylish Blogger Award! Thanks SO much to one of my favorite fellow bloggers, Kathy, who gave this award to me! Kathy is at http://www.mydishwasherspossessed.blogspot.com/

It was very exciting to have somebody acknowledge all the hard work put into my blog! Pretty darn motivating! :)
Thanks Kathy!

In order to completely accept this award, I have to do a few things:

Thank and link back to the person that has given you this award.
Share 7 things about yourself
Award 10-15 blogs you feel deserve the award
Contact these bloggers and let then know about the award.

I want to give this award to some very deserving blogs:

Wifommy Chronicles

http://wifommy.blogspot.com/

The Other Lion

http://theotherlion.blogspot.com/

My Life As a Mother Of A Disabled Child

http://lifewithmydisabledchild.blogspot.com/

The Fragile X Files

http://kormanfive.blogspot.com/

Paula's Place

http://paulafasciano.blogspot.com/

Our Life...

http://marcandrachael.blogspot.com/

Mrs. Roger's Neighborhood

http://mrsrogersfxneighborhood.blogspot.com/

In My Mommy Opinion

http://inmymommyopinion.blogspot.com/

Finding Normal

http://debbie61497.blogspot.com/

A Mother's Motions

http://momcarrissa.blogspot.com/

To those I gave the award to, just follow the steps I just listed to accept your award! :)

So now the hard part... 7 things about me:

1. I love love love the color pink. Ever since I can remember, my fav color has always been pink. Just makes me feel happy and girly! :)

2. I am obsessed with Pico de Gallo. I would eat it every single day if somebody would come and chop all the onions for me! :tear:

3. I am a Washingtonian, but hate the rain!

4. My parents are very high up on my list of fav people.

5. My sister and I have the worst memories ever, but at least we can laugh about it! And we do, quite often!

6. I love dance music. Not the kind you hear on the top 40's list. TRUE dance music. And hate rap.

7. I am a Christian, and was baptized by my dad in the Pacific Ocean :)

That's all for now, have a great week everyone!

Just add it to the pile...

2011-03-12T11:41:00.000-08:00

I cannot even express to you how happy I was to find this energy/coffee drink in my fridge this morning! We ran out of coffee and I don't function well with no caffeine. I'm pretty sure Logan thinks his Mommy's crazy after watching her do a happy dance when she found this!

This was a pretty tough week for me. As always, the best way for me to handle stress is to write about it. So here we are. Logan will be switching therapy centers sometime in the next week to 2 weeks, since we moved out of the county we were residing in last year. Logan loves his therapists, but it's such a long drive now and his speech therapist will be on maternity leave soon, so it looks like all signs are pointing to switching centers. I brought it up to his physical therapist on Monday, and didn't realize how hard it will actually be to say goodbye! She supports whatever is best for Logan and best for our family, but she was downright bummed! I kept telling myself "I will not cry. I will not cry!" during our conversation of how much she has seen Logan grow and learn, and how much she has helped us, not only with Logan's therapy, but this whole transition to our new life. She was working with Logan back when we thought he was just needing a push, she was one of the first people I called when I found out Logan's diagnosis, and she has even been there as a friend when we were planning our move and stressed out to the max. I didn't realize how precious a good OT/PT is to a special needs family until we started thinking about switching! I know there will be fantastic therapists at Logan's new therapy center, but it's still hard to say goodbye to somebody who has been such a strong support to us.

Rewind a little bit, to when Logan was about a year old, and we started noticing one of his eyes would turn in and upwards randomly. It happened so rarely that at first only Mommy and Daddy saw it. Then Gramma and Grampa. Then his physical therapist. When other people finally started seeing it and we realized we weren't imagining it, we took him to his doctor. Luckily, the doctor was able to see it for just a split second, and wrote us a referral to an optometrist. We went to the appointment nervous about what could be causing it, and unfortunately the appointment was a disaster. The only available appointment was right in the middle of Logan's usual nap time, and he was NOT happy to be there instead of snoozing away in his crib. The doctor had very little patience for Logan, and after a very quick exam he stated Logan had perfect vision and the only thing that could be causing it would be neurological. Well, this was before we had been given Logan's diagnosis of Fragile X, and his words stung, HARD. Michael was not okay with how the appointment went, and informed the doctor of this. The doctor was very offended that we didn't say "ok" and tuck our tail between our legs as we left his office. We will NOT be pushed aside just because Logan wasn't acting like all his other "normal" patients. Logan might be whining, tired and chewing on his finger non-stop, but he still deserves a proper exam! The doctor asked us to come back in 6 weeks if the conditions hadn't improved. Well, of course they didn't improve because nothing was done to treat it! Logan was still crossing his eye, and it was becoming more and more frequent. We made one more appointment with the same optometrist and got the same result: it was either in our heads, or something was going on in Logan's head. Well gee. Thanks doc.

I mentioned this at our last appointment at the Fragile X clinic, and the doctor was less than enthused to hear how we were treated. She referred us to an opthamologist in Bellevue. We were able to get an appointment right away, and went this past Wednesday morning, bright and early. Other than a slight mishap of Mommy getting pulled over right in front of the hospital, we head inside with a positive attitude. They were GREAT! Like Tony the Tiger Grrrrrreat! Every nurse, doctor, and receptionist that we made contact with was so patient and knowledgeable. Logan was NOT happy to be having his eyes dilated, but the doctor was able to do her exam no problem. She advised me that Logan is far-sighted, so when he's trying to focus on something close up his eye turns in from him trying so hard to focus. She advised me Logan will need glasses, and hopefully since he's so young it can correct his vision so he may not need them forever. I don't know why, but I got SO upset when we left the hospital. I sat in the van, still in the parking garage, and had the hardest, biggest cry I think I've ever had. I just felt like everything that could go wrong with a child, is going wrong with my son. It sounds superficial to be upset about glasses, I know this, but I felt like it was one more thing added on to this tall pile of things, and that pile had already been swaying and tipping for awhile now. The pile finally fell over and I lost it. If anybody was in the car next to me in that parking garage, I'm pretty sure they moved their car to get as far away from the crazy lady in the minivan as possible.

I compose myself and make it home, and put Logan down for his nap. I talk about the day's events with several friends and family, and some assured me "It's not a big deal" and some felt the same as me, that it was all just too much for such a little guy. I started thinking about the other things that had already been on that pile. The fact that I've been very, very stressed about Logan's school situation. The fact that if one single child made fun of my Logan at school or made him feel self-conscious in anyway, I would want to snatch him up and move to another country, homeschooling him for the rest of his life. The fact that even after school age, I have to think about the possibility of him needing care after the age of 18. Thinking about what his birthdays will be like when he's a teenager. Will he want to have a skating party with all his friends, or will he still want a Spongebob cake with only family around so he won't feel uncomfortable? Will he ever have a driver's license? The future is so full of unknowns and "what ifs" that it seems all I can do to stay sane is push it all aside in my mind and move on. The only problem is that it's still there, and I know it.

No matter what the future holds, I will be there for Logan every step of the way, and so will Michael, that's one thing I know for sure. He will be loved and supported no matter what. I just wish I had a little bit more control on this journey that we're taking. I wish I could see into the future, and be able to prepare myself for what's coming next.

I will be focusing on giving Logan all the therapy we can, to prepare him as best we can for school. He absolutely loves to swing, so we're shopping around for a swing to hang on our back porch. We are also in the market for a mini trampoline, and an exercise ball. These are all things that Logan responds to positively, so I want to have them available for him 24/7. We will just concentrate on what we can do for Logan right now, today, and leave the future for tomorrow.

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why we call it 'The Present'."- Eleanor Roosevelt

The Social Challenge

2011-03-05T12:45:00.000-08:00

I wanted to share this powerful, informative video. The woman in the video, Holly, is in the Fragile X group that I'm a member of on Facebook. I can honestly say she is a role model for Fragile X advocacy!

I am now taking the Social Challenge at www.thesocialchallenge.org and I encourage all of you who have been affected by any sort of disability in your family or friend's families to do the same! I want my son to grow up without knowing this word in a derogatory way. Thanks for taking the time to watch it, now please pass it on!

A picture speaks a thousand words... or at least one.

2011-03-03T15:38:00.000-08:00

Logan and I just got home from Speech Therapy, and since he tried to fall asleep when we were about 30 seconds from home, he's now wide awake and refusing to take his nap. I poured myself a fresh cup of coffee, and I can hear him in his room jumping as always (he already broke his first crib from jumping!) and laughing. Which reminds me, in honor of Dr. Seuss' birthday yesterday, I took some pictures of Logan's room I've been working on:

Logan seems to like it, and I was able to re-use a lot of the decorations from his Dr. Seuss birthday party from last summer, score! He has quite a few Dr. Seuss books, but I can't keep them on display in his room for very long, he grabs them quicker than I can set them up. This boy loves his books!

It was great talking with his Speech Therapist Kerry today about the Fragile X conference. She was ready to soak up whatever information I was willing to give her. As soon as I gave her an example of how Logan would learn best "indirectly" as Marcia Braden had taught us, she was very excited to hear it and started talking about she does believe this, giving examples of things Logan has learned that neither of us showed him how to do. Logan absolutely loves Kerry, but unfortunately she'll be going on maternity leave at the beginning of next month. We're happy for her, don't get me wrong! But now we need to figure out an alternative for Logan's speech. It's not something I'm willing to take a break from at all.

Speaking of speech therapy. Logan is non-verbal. He can't tell us when he's thirsty, hungry, overwhelmed, tired, or needs a diaper change. We have been trying to figure out a way for Logan to be able to express his needs in a different way. We have been giving Logan access to Goldfish boxes, yogurt containers, all his favorite snack choices that he can then give to me when he wants one since he can't tell me with words.

This is to prepare Logan for the PECS (Picture Exchange Communication System) that is widely used for non-verbal or speech delayed children. Although, Logan isn't quite seeing that a picture of a "Cheez-It" is the same thing as the actual yummy cheesy cracker he can stuff his mouth full of. After seeing some of the educational systems Marcia Braden has available for FX children, I decided rather than an actual box of Cheez-Its hanging on the wall or fridge, maybe I could find a miniature of it. Kerry suggested putting a magnet on them and hanging them on the fridge, which I agree with. That way Logan will see it, and make the connection that it's in the kitchen, and bring it to me to show he wants a snack. Now my mission for the next few days will be to find miniatures of all Logan's favorite foods! Fun!

I know I keep talking about this Fragile X conference, but it made such a large impact on me that I can't stop thinking about it! I am so glad we went, and I feel like it not only taught me a lot about my son, it also prepared me for what the future might hold. I was able to meet an adult with Fragile X, and see how he interacted with everyone at the conference. It was great for me to see, and he did very well I might add! We also watched some videos of FX children in junior and senior high school. This part of the conference was very educational, but very very hard to watch. It showed the obstacles some FX children have to go through, from time at the library, to PE, to simply eating lunch in the loud, crowded cafeteria. A part of me wanted to say I'd made the decision right then and there to homeschool my little boy forever, but the larger part of me knows that's not fair to him. He would miss out on so much interaction with other students, and things like music class, that I'm sure he'd really enjoy. I will admit, there were a couple times during the conference that I shed a few tears, but it was good for me to watch and accept that these are all things that could be in our future.

Logan has been waving "hi" and "bye-bye" like crazy! I seriously think he practices when he's alone in his room and we think he's sleeping. He waves at us, then claps for himself LOL! It's pretty much the cutest thing anybody could ever see. Another obsession that he's had the last couple days is belts. He keeps finding them in our room, and here he comes at me, on a mission, with an adult size belt trailing after him, and he wants to wrap it around my waist. No matter what I'm doing at the time he'll keep shoving that belt at me til I drop what I'm doing and wrap it around my waist, or his waist. This makes me nervous though, and if I have to leave the room for a minute I take the belt with me as I can just see him wrapping it around his neck or something! GAH! I wish he would go back to his shoe obsession!

Yesterday I participated in the campaign "Spread the Word to End the Word" and took a pledge online that I will not use the "r-word" in a derogatory way. I shared this with my friends, and a couple of them took the pledge too (yay!)! You can do the same here:

www.r-word.org

As I was emptying out some of the last few boxes in our home, Logan kept looking at this large empty box in the living room. I decided to put him in there to see what he'd do and he was so excited! I guess he felt like King of the Castle or something haha!

Speaking of King of the Castle, Logan made himself a little throne to sit on out of our throw blankets one night while watching Blue's Clues. He sits in the funniest spots in the room, and in the funniest positions while he's watching tv or a movie.

Well since Logan finally stopped jumping and went to sleep, I will end this post here. Be back soon!

And... still learning....

2011-02-27T18:19:00.000-08:00

I can't seem to wake up today! I think my brain is just still processing all the information from yesterday and is refusing to allow me to use it for anything else today. We went to the Annual Fragile X Conference in Seattle yesterday, and oh my Gosh! I received so much great, useful information I couldn't believe it! I knew the conference would be helpful, but there were so many times during the lectures that I felt like they were talking about MY child and telling me exactly what to do to help him! It was so great being around other parents of Fragile X children, I can't even describe what it felt like to be able to relate to them on childcare issues, sleeping issues, and celebrating milestones later than other parents.

One of the speakers at the conference was the Doctor that Logan sees at the Fragile X clinic so it was great knowing her already but still learning new things. The main speaker at the conference, Marcia Braden was AMAZING. She truly understands Fragile X children and how to prevent behavior issues, and teach them in a different way that actually works. She talked about the LOGO reading system which I am so excited to try! One important thing she talked about was that Fragile X children learn best "indirectly". If I tell Logan, "We're going to the store tonight" he's not going to pay attention or possibly not even remember it later on. But if Logan overhears me tell Michael "Logan and I are going to the store tonight", he's going to soak it up and remember it for a LONG time! That was so interesting to me, and it makes perfect sense for some of the things Logan has learned to do that I have said I never showed him how to do. He watched me do it and learned better than if I had directly shown him. Very interesting! Marcia Braden has a website that has DVD's and educational tools available:

http://marciabraden.com/

I have so many notes and information from yesterday that I feel armed for whatever may come our way on our journey with Fragile X. Overall a really good day!

Well Logan is up from his nap now and is trying to close my laptop so I guess that means I'm done with this post! I just had to post about the conference and how much it helped me.

Scratch that, Logan found his shoe so he'll be distracted for a few minutes trying to put it on and take it off his foot. Haha!

Logan is officially a climber now! He's been able to climb on and off the couch for awhile now, but he's never attempted to climb on anything he's not supposed to! I just couldn't bear to tell him to get down when we found him here:

And here's Logan, USING HIS POINTER FINGER! I work on this with him whenever I can. When he's pushing a button on a toy, he uses his thumb and I always switch it to his pointer which he has shown NO interest in using. But I found him using it, and THANK GOODNESS the water dispenser was LOCKED!

How could I almost forget to mention that he copied Mommy and Daddy and can now DIP his food! Daddy always dips his food in ranch, and I showed Logan one time using hand-over-hand, and Logan did this:

(And for those of you shaking your head at me for allowing my child to eat such a horrible thing as FAST FOOD, I promise this is a VERY RARE occurance!)

Just lounging around:

Just in case you can't tell from this photo, Logan is NOT okay with hats! I can't figure out if it's because it's covering his ears, or just the feel of it on his head, or if it's because he thinks he can't get it off. Either way, this new hat is a NO GO.

I just can't get over how TALL Logan is! He's 38.5 inches tall which is in the 90th percentile for height, and 35 pounds which is also 90th percentile. He's always been 90th percentile for height & weight since he was born! Remember that he was a 9 pounder! haha!

This picture is very bittersweet to me. This toy was a present from his Auntie Samantha for his birthday, and I brought it out for the first time recently. I spun him around a few times and he was CRACKING UP! It was the cutest thing ever. He absolutely loved it. But when he tried to do it on his own, you can see the frustration on his face:

The poor guy wanted to do it himself so badly :(

We'll just continue working on his motor planning and the pushing and pulling he would need to do for this toy.

But for now, this is a toy that we'll just play with together. Mommy will spin him as much as his lil heart desires! Because of his sensory issues, Logan for some reason doesn't get dizzy. He actually craves that vestibular input all the time.

Well now that I have all my thoughts organized for the day, it's snack time for Logan! Be back again soon!

Continuing our Education

2011-02-24T13:11:00.000-08:00

We were blessed with a late winter snow last night, so I put Logan down for his nap with his cozy, footed jammies on, and I'm drinking a steaming hot cup of coffee wrapped in a blanket while the fireplace is going. Seeing the cold snow outside makes me even more grateful for a warm, safe house to come home to, and makes me truly grateful for the life I have.It may not be the life I had planned, but I can say I'm truly grateful for what I have.

My last post had us waiting for our first appointment at the Fragile X clinic, and just beginning to learn about this genetic disorder. In the weeks before our appointment, Logan decided to show us that he can do so many things, and gives us hope that things won't necessarily be as bad as they may be portrayed on the internet. He learned to wave bye-bye, he started clapping, and unfortunately he learned how to climb to the top of our stairs. Good for him, but bad for Mommy as I am pretty sure I can feel my heart stop when I see him halfway up the stairs!

Logan is a very quiet, happy, sweet child. He looks you straight in the eye when you're talking to him, and if he looks over and I'm looking at him, he gives me the biggest smile he can. Unfortunately, he also gets overly excited about so many things, and it seems to take over his whole body. This is just a part of the Fragile X. He flaps his arms, and stretches his mouth wide open, and jumps up and down whenever something is exciting to him. He tends to also cross one eye. He is non-verbal, and generally hums in place of talking. He sometimes copies the tone of my voice, but sometimes seems like he just can't. Here is a video of Logan and I "talking" while he's playing in the lake last summer:

Fast forward to our appointment at the Fragile X clinic. We have no idea what to expect. We meet the Doctor, and she's very, very nice. While a nurse is taking Logan's weight and height and listening to his heart, the Doctor is basically giving us a Science class on Fragile X Syndrome. She explains about the X chromosome, and why this disorder affects males so much more often than females (since females have 2 X chromosomes sometimes they use the unaffected X). She also showed us pictures of what the affected chromosome looks like:

Don't worry I'm not turning my blog into a Science class, but this was very interesting to me and it helped me understand this syndrome a lot more. She also explained to us that since this is a genetic mutation of the gene, we run the risk of having another child affected by this. This was devastating news, as do you remember when I mentioned one of my life goals from years ago? To have 3 children, a "large" family like what I grew up with. This was tough news to swallow, that my life was changing even more than I had thought, but we go home from the appointment armed with information about chromosomes and genes, different kinds of therapies to try, and a promise to be back every 3 months.

Life goes on in our household, and Logan continues to go to Physical/Occupation Therapy, Speech Therapy, and sees a home teacher once a week. He is still the sweetest, happiest little boy ever created (haha, I'm so modest I know!) and our love for him grows even more with every passing day.

Logan was the most adorable curly-headed lil cowboy for Halloween:

Logan enjoys going to the County Fair, and rode 2 of the rides all by himself! He even enjoyed petting the animals!

His favorite thing to do is sit down with a good book. Whenever we can't find Logan or it seems to be too quiet in the house, we always find him sitting with one of his favorite books.

In fact, this lil boy will read whatever he can get his hands on!

Logan is currently working on putting his shoes on and taking them off, and putting his clothes on and taking them off. He can take off his diaper (haha!), his shirt, his shoes and socks. He is trying SO hard to learn to lace his shoes, so we are working with him everyday. He puts any shoe he can find on his feet, and even things that aren't shoes. Yes, that's a cup! LOL!

I may have good days, and bad days while accepting this diagnosis, but the most important thing is that Logan is here, he is happy, and he is growing and learning everyday. The future will always be a mystery, but all we can do is take it one day at a time, and just like what Logan is learning to do right now, we just put our shoes on one foot at a time and move forward.

Welcome to Holland

2011-01-27T15:17:00.000-08:00

I'm drinking tea today, rather than coffee. Shocked? Me too!

I wasn't too sure about this whole blogging thing. Until yesterday when I had somebody mention she couldn't wait to read my next post. Everybody second guesses themselves, so having that response to my blog, my thoughts typed up and put out there for the world to read, was very encouraging. Thank you, you know who you are! :)

With my last entry, we had just been given the life-changing news. Our son tested positive for Fragile X Syndrome. So we have the answer we've been looking for. Now what?

Well now we have to figure out what this new, foreign title even means. Fragile X Syndrome. First thing I did was google it. Then I thought no, nothing good ever comes from googling anything medical. I didn't look at any of the sites listed. Instead, I went to The National Fragile X Foundation's website, which was recommended by one of Logan's therapists. Here is what I learned:

Fragile X syndrome is the most common inherited cause of mental impairment. The syndrome occurs in approximately 1 in 3600 males and 1 in 4000 to 6000 females.
Impact on males
The majority of males with fragile X syndrome will have a significant intellectual disability. The spectrum ranges from learning disabilities to severe mental retardation and autism.*

*www.fragilex.org

Basically, fragile x is a mental and physical impairment. This information was obviously very hard to swallow. We had a meeting with the doctor who had originally ordered the test for this, and he explained as much as he could, but we could tell he didn't know THAT much about this syndrome. He referred us to the fragile x clinic, which had a waiting list of 3 months for appointments. Great. *sarcastic eye roll*

In the meantime, I was turning to family and friends to help me adjust to this news that I would have a "special" child that may need help his whole life. He will most likely be in special education in school, and will be in therapy up until that point. This wasn't just a temporary little "push" that he needed after all. It was very, very hard for me and Michael to accept. We decided that the best way to accept this was to arm ourselves with knowledge and be prepared for whatever the future may hold.

I received something from my sister, who was trying to help me see the positive side to all of this news. I have gone back and read this several times throughout this past year, and everytime it puts me back on track. I don't need to sit and think about the things we'll be missing out on, instead I can dream about all the things we will get to experience with our son. I am hoping this will help somebody else as much as it helps me:

* Welcome to Holland *

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Emily Perl Kingsley 1987

I will end this entry on that note, and I'm hoping to be able to catch this blog up to be real time. Every day is still a new experience, and we are still constantly learning about this brand new (to us) syndrome and lifestyle.

The Journey Continues

2011-01-21T14:41:00.000-08:00

Hmm. I'm sitting with my laptop in my lap, a cup of coffee sitting next to me, and the sound of Logan settling down for his nap while I read my previous blog. I am somewhat of a perfectionist and could edit the blog all day long, but instead I am reading it as if it's somebody else's entry. Reading it in this way, I don't care what grammar errors there may be or if there are run-on sentences (which I'm the queen of!). Instead the words are sinking in and affecting me and making me anxious for the next entry! It brings me back to the days of wondering why. Why is my perfect son Logan, not quite doing what he's supposed to do? Hmmm. It's heart-breaking to read, but encouraging to realize how far we really have come with him.

Yesterday's entry left off with Logan cruising around the living room, but not letting go and taking that anxiously awaited first step. Shortly after his evaluation with the children's therapy center, Logan turns 18 months old, and is holding onto the overstuffed chair in our living room watching me as I sit on the floor with his favorite book. He suddenly gets a big smile on his face, lets go of the chair, and walks right over to Mommy! I was so excited! I couldn't believe Logan has finally taken his first steps! I gave Logan the biggest bear hug ever and sent him on his way back to the chair to try again. When Daddy gets home, we get it on video that Logan will walk from Mommy to Daddy, on those chubby, wobbly lil legs of his. I could barely watch the video because my eyes were so filled with tears of joy. I can't even explain how proud of him I was at that moment.

Logan continues to make progress with the help of the therapists, and of course the help of Mommy & Daddy, and grandparents, and aunties. He is surrounded by people who just adore him and he is spoiled with attention and affection! We celebrate every single thing he learns and continue to have patience in the things he struggles with. In the back of my mind though, is that annoying word: WHY?

Logan turns 2 in the summer of 2010. He gets a big, fun, Dr. Seuss themed birthday party. Mommy chose Dr. Seuss because Logan's favorite toy in the whole world is a good book! He has lots of friends and family at his party, and he gets to eat some yummy cake! When it's time to open the presents Logan is very overwhelmed though, with all the people watching him and clapping for the new toys he receives. He is miserable and ends up wanting to just cuddle with Mommy for a little bit after everyone leaves.

A little more than 2 weeks after Logan's birthday party, on August 17, 2010 I receive a phone call from a doctor we had taken Logan to at the end of July. The doctor had drawn some blood to send for testing, because we were all still trying to figure out why Logan needed these therapies and extra help. When my phone rang, I was in the car with Michael and Logan and was slightly distracted when I answered. The doctor said he received the results back from the blood test, and had some news. I tuned everything else out except for the words the doctor were saying now. I expected him to say they hadn't found anything, but I will never, EVER forget the words he said instead. He said Logan tested positive for something called Fragile X Syndrome. Hmmm. I thought back to my late nights of surfing the internet for answers, and vaguely remember running across info on Fragile X. I remember I had quickly dismissed it, as it said it was a genetic syndrome, and we didn't have any family history of it. I was confused. "How could he have Fragile X if it doesn't run in the family?" I asked the doctor. He said "Well, I'm not sure but I would like you to come have your blood tested." "Why me?" I ask him. He says that since Logan is a boy, and this syndrome is a mutation of the x-chromosome, it could have only come from me. The father doesn't pass an x-chromosome to a boy, only the mom does. Wow. Was all I could say. I was in shock that we had actually gotten an answer to my constant WHY? But now I wasn't so sure I wanted the answer afterall. Michael and I try looking up what we can about this strange new word: Fragile X Syndrome. We're not at home though, and using our cell phones proves to be more frustrating than anything else. We decide to go to the local library and just check out some books on it.

We realize just how difficult it's going to be find out about Fragile X Syndrome when the only 2 books the library carries about this syndrome were checked out and never returned 4 years ago. I was shocked. "You mean nobody else has asked about these books in 4 years?" I ask the librarian. "No, sorry we'll just order some new ones for you guys." Hmmm. No wonder I've never really heard of this. It seems nobody else in the world really has either.

Little did I know how much these words "Fragile X Syndrome" were going to affect not only Logan's and Mommy & Daddy's life, but the lives of our entire extended families as well....

A New Chapter in LIFE

2011-01-20T14:57:00.000-08:00

I decided to jump on the blogging bandwagon. I love to write, but for some reason can never force myself to sit down and write in a journal. With everything upside down in my life right now, I figured it's as good a time as any to start!

My name is Melanie. I am 28, a virgo, a mom, a sister, a daughter, a best friend, a significant other. I came from a large family, and as rare as it is these days, my parents are still together, still married. They had 4 of us children, 2 boys, then me, then another girl. Perfect family I'd say. I'd say that because I love "large" families. I always planned that I would have 3 children of my own and that my first would be at age 25. Well... so far I'm on track.

December 15, 2007 Michael and I had a pregnancy test show POSITIVE. I was so happy and nervous and everything else a pregnant, hormonal woman would feel ;). Life was going according to plan, I'm 25 and pregnant with my first!

We found out via ultrasound on 3/20/2008 that the baby was a boy! We already had the name Logan Michael picked out. For some reason we both agreed right away on Logan, and Michael is Daddy's name. So the rest of the pregnancy goes as planned, and on 8/1/08 I gave birth to a healthy, 9 lbs 2 oz baby boy. Love at first sight!

His first year of life is full of exciting firsts, sleepless nights, and tons of diaper changes. He is THE sweetest, most handsome, happiest little boy I'd ever met. Sure every mom might say that, but it was really true with Logan! :)

Logan's 12 month checkup goes smoothly, except that he had to get the dreaded SHOTS. On the way to the doctor, with Logan babbling away in the backseat "mamamamama" and blowing raspberries, Michael and I are reflecting back on the past year, and how much of a pure joy our son is. When we open the sliding door of the minivan, Logan as always smiles from ear to ear and babbles "adada!" Cutest. Thing. Ever.

Logan gets his shots and life goes on. He has his first birthday party, and he is cruising EVERYWHERE. He just won't let go of that couch yet though. He has had a couple ear infections at this point, and a week after his 1st birthday party we have to take him to get tubes in his ears. It was very, VERY, sad seeing how upset Logan was when he woke up from surgery, but according to the doc, everything went smoothly. He recovers, and for awhile he has no more ear infections.

A few more months go by, and for some reason Logan STILL isn't letting go of that couch to walk on his own. I start doing some research, and find that a lot of times boys are slower with milestones than girls, and the "normal" walking age can be all the way up to 18 months. Okay, I can handle that. We continue working with him, and he continues smiling and laughing at everything we do. He's a good sleeper, a good eater, no tantrums, just an overall EASY child. We are more in love with him than ever.

Then, Logan has his 15 month checkup. I express my concerns to his doctor about Logan not walking, and for some reason he doesn't tell me "Oh it's fine, every child is different" like I was expecting him to say. Instead, he asks if Logan is babbling or saying any words. Michael and I both say at the same time "Well, not anymore". We had remembered back to when we would open the slider door on the minivan and Logan's face would light up as he babbled "adada!" We realize he hasn't done this for a couple months now. The doctor isn't very happy to hear that news. He gently tells us that Logan should probably get an evaluation at the local children's therapy center. I can't even THINK about holding back tears at this point. Why would he need an evaluation? What did we do wrong? Did I do something I wasn't supposed to do when I pregnant? Eat too much fish or not take enough vitamins?! Was I too stressed during my pregnancy by working full-time and sometimes even overtime? HUNDREDS of questions and fears flooded our minds. Unfortunately, the doctor couldn't answer any of these questions.

We went home, made the appointment for the evaluation, and worried while we waited. I kept hoping Logan would suddenly start walking across the room, come up to me and say "Hi mom! See, I'm fine!". But, no such luck. We take him to the evaluation and they tell us he is delayed in all areas, and does in fact qualify for OT/PT and Speech Therapy. I ask them what any other mom would ask: why? They simply say they don't know. "It could be nothing!" they say. "He may just need a little push". Okay. Just a push. So I sign him up for all the therapy sessions they suggest and wait for them to give him the little push he needed. And yet he continues to still need a push month after month. I love my son with all my heart and soul, and love him more than ever before, but at this point one word is constantly swirling around in my head: WHY?!

Why does my son need therapy that other people's kids don't need? Not just one therapy, but two. And they suggested a home teacher as well, that I refused. I don't need someone coming into MY home telling me how to "push" my son to do better when I'm his mom, I'm taking him to his therapies, I know that he's going to be JUST FINE!

Little did I know, that therapy sessions, therapists, and home teachers were going to become a MAJOR part of our lives.